Some thoughts

There are lots of moments, let it be during class, when I watch TV, when I'm on the computer... I space out, thinking of the past. I keep thinking 'what if that never happened? what if I decided to do the other? what if I had the courage to say and chose what i wanted?' And this doesn't apply to only one thing. It applies to my whole life..
Somethings had too much of an impact on me for the better AND for the worse.. I've never really had a proper talk about this cause for now I'm not really sure who to turn to anymore.. Funny how you can find yourself to be so lonely at times even when you know there are friends all around you who are willing to help..
I know writing this on a blog where EVERYONE can read it is a dumb thing.. but do take note that the internet has played a big role in my life. I've met people that made me feel at ease, gave me hope, where I can TOTALLY be myself, where they treat me as a real friend.. and of course I've met people that made me feel like slapping them.. in the face..(with a chair :D)..
I thought I've changed over the past few years but in fact, I never really did. I repeat the old mistakes. Holding onto the hope that maybe one day I'll learn. But when life throws a whole book of lessons in my face I acknowledge it but never really practice it.
Thing is, I really do want to take back a lot of crap I did or said, I really do but I can't.. And at times I want to change my ways but I keep failing at it. Some of you might understand how I'm feeling now - the feeling of wanting to change but having something holding you back - fear. Fear of what the change might do to you. People say it's for the best and even though you know it yourself.. It's quite.. overwhelming.
It's time like these that I really want to shout out that growing up sucks. When you have to face all the drama and life changing decisions, it really does suck.
I don't really have a good ending to wrap all of this up. So I must apologize for this long and wordy post. I just really need to get some stuff off my chest. I'll update more after my trials :) Till then!!